


The Caveman's Guide To Romance

by Pendragons Dragonlord (PseudoAuthor)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Matchmaking, Coming Out, Gen, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, POV Uther Pendragon - Third Person, Stereotypes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 20:02:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5678815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoAuthor/pseuds/Pendragons%20Dragonlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Uther’s eyes flick over to the chair that Arthur vacated almost half an hour ago. "Arthur came out to me today."  </p><p>Gaius sighs into phone and murmurs, "Oh. Poor boy-"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Caveman's Guide To Romance

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tavern tales.  
> Unbeta'd = all mistakes are mine.  
> Thanks to pandragolot for reading through the initial opening - I appreciate it :)
> 
> I like nice!Uther, we should've seen more nice!Uther in my opinion :) 
> 
> This isn't meant to be taken seriously. It's just a bit of fun. In this Uther is clueless and an idiot but he's nice idiot who loves his son and just wants the best for him :)

"Father, can I talk to you?"  
  
Uther quickly gazes up as Arthur strides into the office, pale under the fluorescent lights. His suit jacket is slung over his right arm and he wears an expression that Uther can only describe as...fucking terrified.  
  
Curiousness makes itself known, but since Arthur’s come to him in the middle of business hours, he doesn’t believe it to be for a personal matter. And there lies the reason why he’s curious; because Arthur looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here. Uther let’s his eyes go back to the laptop screen; but they swim at the sight of the black thin text.  
  
He needs to finish this report today and, as Arthur has not failed to remind him on numerous occasions, he’s just on this side of computer literate. A little under six months ago he was still typing with two fingers. As far as he's concerned, the fact that he can type with all his fingers on one hand is a monumental improvement - he hopes to graduate to using two hands by the end of next month.  
  
Leaning back in his chair, Uther drops his wrists from the edge of the table trying to regulate his blood flow. “You've never had to ask before - I don't see why you should start now."  
  
"May I sit?" At this, Uther looks up at amount of formality being displayed. He gestures to the empty chair and waits for Arthur to settle down, jacket clenched over his stomach like a shield. "I need to talk to you."  
  
"So you've said. What's wrong?" Arthur looks down, his blonde hair catching the light much like Igraine's use too.  
  
"Father, I'm gay."

At this declaration, Uther's first thought is: _blast it, Morgana was right_.  
  
His second thought is: _I should have known when Arthur never looked down Vivian's top like all the other teenage boys used to._  
  
His third thought is: _What sort of two-bit dumb brained jock is Arthur going to bring home?_  
  
In the grand scheme of things, thought one and thought three are the ones that cause him the most concern.  
  
Arthur bites his lip, his body still straight. _Straight...haha, not anymore...oh my god_..."Father, did you hear me?"  
  
He should be panicking.  
  
He is panicking.  
  
He’s not.  
  
He is.  
  
No Uther, you just misunderstood. He clears his throat and latches onto the word – that word that isn’t an issue, but kinda is, but really isn’t – before it flees, "You're gay?"

Arthur nods his head once. "Yes."  
  
"As in homosexual?"

Arthur lets out a huff, like he can’t believe that he's having this conversation with him. "Of course homosexual - what else does gay mean…" Uther frowns. Well in his time gay meant something entirely different... He opens his mouth to educate Arthur but Arthur's glares cuts him off before he can even make a sound. “And don't tell me 'happy' because you and I both know that I don't mean it in that way.”  
  
Uther's mouth snaps shut. "I see." Arthur doesn't look gay...can one even 'look' gay? If Arthur says he is then who is he to argue.  
  
But back to the main problem - besides Morgana. If Arthur is gay then he’s going to have a partner and it has to be a suitable partner. Not an idiot. Not a gold digger. _At least we don’t have to worry about illegitimate children._  
  
Uther runs through the list of potential candidates and finds that he's sadly lacking in eligible young men for Arthur to date.  
  
His brain seems to only consist of women's names. Mithian, Amber, Lisa, Penelope,  
  
Stephanie-  
  
_Brain, stop. What are you doing...brain? Brain? Arthur is gay. GAY_.  
  
Philippa, Gwen, Lucy, Sophia-  
  
_Brain, didn't you hear him! GAY. As in men as in sex with-_  
  
Olivia, Katrina, Morga-  
_  
BRAIN!_  
  
"...okay, so...I'm going to go now. Goodbye." Arthur hurries out of the room and Uther waves a hand distractedly.  
_  
Now see what you did…_  
  
Alexandra, Hannah, Lois, Merlin-  
_  
Merlin? Merlin's not a girl-oh! Good job brain._  
  
He steeples his hands, so his fingers just touch his lips, a plan already forming in his mind.  
  
From outside his door he hears Arthur speaking into his phone. "I think I broke him." Uther rises to protest but is silenced when he catches Arthur saying, "He didn’t say anything about it, just stared at me and started listing all the women he knew!"  
  
_Oh…whoops._

Before he goes back to the report he takes his phone in hand and dials who he considers the main obstacle in his plan.  
  
It rings a few times before there’s a low hum and then: _"Hello?"_ Gaius sounds far away as if his phone is on speaker. _"Hello? Is anyone there? Uther, you luddite, if you've pocket dialed me again-"_  
  
"Gaius!" Uther says quickly. "How are you?"  
_  
"I'm keeping well. I'm instructing medical students on the finer points of sewing stiches."_  
  
Uther hums as if he's interested - he's not.  
  
A clatter sounds. Muttered cursing and murmurs filling the silence in his office. _"No!”_ Gaius shouts. _“Do you want to scar your poor patient? Stitching is not a race Harold.”_ Uther opens spider solitaire and begins to play knowing that he won’t have Gaius’ complete attention. A few moments later after more grumbling and muttered curses Gaius says, _“Uther, can I help you with anything?"_  
  
He should probably be working on the report. Damn it, Control-Z…ah, there we are, one down, five to go. "Merlin is gay."  
  
Apparently Gaius has nothing to say, and Uther has half a mind to bang the phone on his desk before he hears a hum. Gaius sounds extremely amused. _"Is he?"_  
  
Click. Five of hearts to an empty column. Click. King of clubs to another empty column.  
  
"He doesn't wear pink."  
_  
"Ah yes, wearing pink, the universal sign of homosexuality.”_ He can hear Gaius rolling his eyes. _“If memory serves me right you wear pink often. Is there something you're not telling me?"_  
  
Uther accidently drops the three of hearts onto a four of spades. "What? No! Gaius, why would you even suggest that?"  
  
Control-Z – undo.  
_  
"Because you're being an idiot, I’m slightly bored, and it’s always funny hearing Uther Pendragon panic."_  
  
Uther’s eyes flick over to the chair that Arthur vacated almost half an hour ago. "Arthur came out to me today."  
  
Gaius sighs into phone and murmurs, _"Oh. Poor boy-"_  
  
_What now?_ Uther stops playing and tightens his hold on the receiver. "What is that supposed to mean?” he snaps.  
  
Gaius is apparently ignoring his offense, instead calmly replying with, _"Depends, how did you react to the news?"_  
  
"I didn't kick him out or call him a disappointment if that's what you're thinking.” His heart clenches at the thought of banishing or even lambasting his son over something like this. And a small part of him, a really small part mind you, feels hurt that Gaius would even think that he could do that. He sighs down the line, placing his elbows on his desk, a hand holding his chin up. “I do actually love my son a great deal,” he says quietly.  
  
_"Uther, I didn't mean to insinuate otherwise.”_ There’s a pause and then Gaius shouting at a different student. _“So why did you call me?”_

Trust Gaius to get the conversation back on track. "Apparently…I recited a list of women's names out loud,” Uther says in a rush. “I didn't even realise I was doing it until I overheard Arthur telling someone on the phone about it. That is beside the point. Merlin is gay. Arthur is gay. Ipso facto...they should date."  
  
Gaius sighs but his voice sounds irritated. Those students must really be doing his head in. _"There, right there. That's what I meant by poor boy! And please don't use 'ipso facto'. You are not a young man anymore."  
"What's the matter with them dating?"_  
  
_"Because I'm not going to allow Arthur to be forced into this! What if he already has a partner? What if he's just gotten to terms with the fact that he's gay? Do you really want to start pushing strangers on him now?"_  
  
And there lies the brilliance of his plan. "That's why I thought of your nephew! He isn't a stranger. He's your nephew."  
  
Gaius tuts. _"He's a stranger to Arthur. And be honest, you only thought of Merlin because he's the only gay person you know."_  
  
"That is…" _Not true anymore…now I know Arthur._ “...beside the point. Listen Gaius, your nephew is a good man correct?” He doesn’t allow Gaius to answer because he already knows that answer. “I don't want Arthur getting hurt. I trust you, and therefore I'm extending that trust to Merlin. Just one date with Arthur. How bad can it be?"  
  
_"...Alright. I'll see what I can do. But if Merlin says no, then that's it.”_ Gaius’s High Left Eyebrow of Doom flashes in his mind and he shudders.  
  
"Thank you Gaius."  
  
_"Don't thank me yet."_ Gaius mutters, ending the call and leaving Uther to finally finish his report (after completing that briefly abandoned game of spider solitaire because…priorities).  
  
...  
  
It’s been five hours since he’s left the office. Five hours and twenty-nine minutes since the report was completed and one hour and twelve minutes since his begrudging call to Morgana to confirm that she knew about Arthur.  
  
He’s just switching off the television, a half-drained bottle of wine on the coffee-table sitting in a sweaty little puddle beside business acquisition files, when his mobile chimes.  
_  
Gaius R._  
Merlin agreed. He asks that you text me the details to pass on.

* * *

It’s bright and early in the morning. Actually it’s rather dark. Cloudy and overcast, but still not early. He peers down at his watch, the hands pointing to eight o’clock and knocks at the door again. "Arthur!”  
  
If he listens carefully he can hear muttered grumbling…and a thump.  
  
Eventually the door opens. He frowns seeing his son in pyjama bottoms and blue tank top, wearily scratching his chin. "Father, what are you doing here? It’s early and _Saturday_ ,” Arthur says, pushing the door open and making a ‘get in, already’ gesture with his hand that’s half aborted since it sweeps up to his mouth to cover a yawn.  
  
Uther goes through into the kitchen, wondering the best way to bring up what he really wants to say. "I thought I'd just stop by. Shoot the breeze so to say." He begins to open cupboards, not wanting anything other than an insight into his son’s life.  
  
Arthur yawns again and rubs one of his arms absentmindedly. Uther wants to tell him to get a shirt but the opportunity is lost. "Please don’t say and you never stop by." Arthur looks at him sceptically before his eyes grow wide. "What the hell did you do?"  
  
_Father of the year award here I come._ He turns around and beams. “I got you a date with Merlin."  
  
For some reason that he can’t fathom, Arthur doesn’t look very impressed with this. "Who in god’s name is Merlin?" Arthur says Merlin’s name with the same face that Uther used to witness when trying to feed him strained peas as a toddler.  
  
"Gaius' nephew. You're meeting on Wednesday at two for coffee."  
  
Arthur pushes past him to the sink and quickly fills a glass of water. "Okay so let me get this straight." Arthur sculls down the glass, eyes wide and a bit frenzied. “I came to you yesterday and told you I was gay."  
  
"Yes you did,” Uther replies small nod. _I was there...mostly._  
  
"And today you come here and tell me that you've already found me a date for the middle of the week."  
  
"Well I found him yesterday actually."  
  
"Yesterday? Father!" Arthur doesn’t sound happy. Maybe he should have listened to Morgana more last night. He hadn’t told her of ‘The Plan’. She did tell him to just be quietly supportive and to let Arthur bring it up if he wanted too.  
  
"Have I done something wrong?" It isn’t the reaction he was hoping for.  
  
"You…" Arthur puts the glass down into the sink, and sighs, eyes softening. "No, you didn't do anything wrong...just...a few steps in front of me.” He shrugs and gives Uther a small smile.  
  
He never intended to hurt his son. "If it makes you uncomfortable I'll cancel."  
  
Arthur sighs. "No it's fine."

* * *

_Gaius Rutherford_  
Wednesday at 2 - café opposite the park. I apologise again for asking this of you.

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
It’s okay Gaius :) but if he’s a git, I’m gone.

  
_Gaius Rutherford_  
You aren’t dating Uther so you should be fine.

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
I thought he was your friend?

 _Gaius Rutherford_  
He is. But I saw what happened when he tried to date Arthur’s mother.

 _  
Merlin Emrys_  
She must’ve seen something worth sticking around for.

  
_Gaius Rutherford_  
I had to convince her that he had no intention of buying her.

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
???  
What? Explain pls!!! Are you pimping me out?!

 _Merlin Emrys_  
GAIUS!!!!

 _Merlin Emrys_  
I’m not doing it anymore. Gaius. Answer me.

  
_Gaius Rutherford_  
Calm down Merlin, you are not being pimped out.  
But not that you mention it…

 _Gaius Rutherford_  
I’m kidding.

 _Merlin Emrys_  
You can never ask for anything again.  
I don’t like you anymore :’(

* * *

Uther is eating dinner when he pauses and realises his good intentions may be thwarted before Arthur even sits down.  
  
His phone vibrates across the dinner table, its path impeded by his dinner plate. He takes a glance at the screen an internally groans but picks up anyway. There will be hell to pay if he doesn’t. “Morgana, how may I help you?”  
  
“Uther, have you gone mad?” Morgana says by way of greeting.  
  
“Quite sane last time I checked,” Uther replies taking another bite of his dinner. He chews slowly, not because he’s trying to savour the flavour – he doesn’t cook that well, he admits to it – but because it delays the upcoming conversation. “I take it, Arthur told you.”  
  
“He did, and I thought we agreed on ‘quietly supportive’ not a version of ‘The Bachelor’!”  
  
_What the hell is The Bachelor?_ Uther frowns. “I am being supportive and I’ve never heard of it.”  
  
“You know he’s only doing this for you?”  
  
“I told him that he didn’t have to go through with it.” And it’s true, but Arthur said it was okay.  
  
“And he’s going through with it anyway because you asked him to.”  
  
“There’s still time for him to change his mind, and even then, what harm can come of it?”  
  
“You know what, forget it. Just, don’t do this anymore. Good night Uther.” She’s not angry at him. He knows this because she did not abruptly hang up.  
  
“Sleep well Morgana.”

* * *

“Gaius, can you tell me of Merlin’s likes and dislikes?”  
  
_“Why on earth would you want to know?”_  
  
“So I can brief Arthur on it.”  
  
_“Uther, you are being odd – stop it.”_  
  
“Igraine liked sunflowers. That’s how I finally managed to secure a date with her.”  
_  
“Yes, I remember – I was there.”_  
  
“It’s just if they can find similar interests it will make it easier on Arthur. He must be nervous, Merlin may even be nervous – I’m trying to make this easier for Arthur.”  
_  
“Merlin enjoys history, he has interests in books and movies, not so much in sport. He likes coffee cake and his favourite drink is orange juice. Is that suitable enough of you?”_  
  
“You aren’t going to tell me anything else are you?”  
  
_“Not on your life. Arthur is a grown man he knows how to date.”_  
  
“Okay…thank you.” It's a start at least.

* * *

"Arthur, should you bring him flowers?" He watches clock on his bedside as it continues to tick, second by second. Is that...is that appropriate? You shouldn't go empty handed into a date, and I always brought your mother flowers when we were courting."  
  
_"Christ, courting, Father? This is just coffee I don't think it's a flowers sort of occasion,"_ he hears Arthur yawn.  
  
Despite Arthur’s affirmation, he’s still not completely sure. Fair enough he hasn’t really dated since Arthur’s mother. There was once a disastrous entanglement with a woman named Katrina who Arthur and Morgana both intensely disliked for reasons that he wasn’t quite sure of until he overheard her plans to ship them both off to boarding schools located across the Atlantic Ocean. So he may not be the best judge of character come to think of it…maybe I should reconsider this. "Are you sure? Isn't it rude?"  
  
_"I'm pretty sure."_  
  
"But how can you be sure?"  
  
_"Because I just know."_  
  
Uther frowns because surely Arthur can tell him. If there is a source of information he would like to know about it because at least then he can be a few steps ahead of the game. “Is there a handbook? Can I read it?" he says seriously.  
  
Down the line, he hears Arthur sigh. _“There is no handbook. Father, it's three in the morning. Go to sleep."_

* * *

On Thursday morning he sees Arthur scurry to his office. Eager to know whether he’ll be welcoming a new son-in-law to the family, he follows quickly, unable to tell how Arthur is feeling from his son’s bearing.  
  
Just as Arthur shuts the door he sticks his foot in between the door and the doorjamb.  
  
“Father!” Arthur starts, moving aside to let him in. “What are you doing here?”  
  
Any pretence of work is ignored as he takes a seat in one of the chairs that faces Arthur’s desk. “Tell me how it went?"  
  
“Seriously, that’s what you wanted to ask me?”  
  
“Did you talk about his interests? Arthur, you didn’t bore the boy with football did you?” As British as he is, he detests football with a passion. Give him cricket any day.  
  
Arthur runs a hand through his hair and his eyes go sort of wide and frenzied. And not the sort of frenzy that speaks of unbelievable lust, not that Uther wants to be thinking of Arthur in lust because...just no. There is only so far a father has to know. "I tried but bloody hell! Are you sure that's Gaius' nephew?"  
  
He frowns. "Certain. Why?"  
  
"He's an idiot!”  
  
Arthur sinks down into his chair like a wilting balloon. “What happened?”  
  
“If it’s all the same to you, I don’t want to talk about it.” Uther wonders if Arthur actually finished the sentence with _especially with you_ , or if it was just in his head. He reckons it was the latter, but he firmly recalls a time when that’s all Arthur would end his sentences with so he wouldn’t actually be surprised.  
  
“Okay, we’ll talk about it later,” he says and retreats.

...  
  
As soon as he gets back to his office he rings Gaius.  
  
_“I have a job. You are preventing me from paying my bills. If I show up on your doorstep I expect to be given a room immediately, and by a room I mean your room because I will have deserved it unlike you, who will be sleeping on the couch in the foreseeable future if my homeless imaginings become reality.”_  
  
Gaius didn’t even take a breath. Colour him impressed.  
  
"Gaius, did Merlin say anything?" There’s an exasperated sigh. Uther wonders which student messed up this time.  
  
_"Yes - he told me that I am never to do that to him again. What did Arthur do?"_  
Uther blinks. "Arthur? I've been told it was all Merlin."  
  
Gaius lets out another sigh. Gaius needs smarter students. _"Well regardless, Merlin did what you asked and now we can put this madness aside."_  
"Maybe…" This is just a bump in the road. Relationships take time. In his case starting a relationship took a whole lot of time. This could be the same for Arthur. What is that saying, like father like son?  
  
_"Uther no. Uther, I promised Merlin...Uther!"_

* * *

"Did you find him attractive?" He’s flying into dangerous territory. He's not exactly sure if he wants to know this but the question is voiced and it's too late to take it back.  
  
Arthur stares back at him from across the table of the café sitting up like he’s on guard. "Merlin?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are we really discussing this?"  
  
Uther darts his eyes around the cafe ignore Arthur’s tone, and locks onto their waiter who is ringing up someone’s bill. "If you prefer we can discuss whether you think the waiter is attractive."  
  
'Father!" Arthur’s mouth drops open and he quickly glances around.  
  
No one is listening. They wouldn’t dare. "Merlin."  
  
"No,” Arthur hisses.  
  
He really didn’t want to be doing this, but Arthur bought it on himself. He surveys the waiter, running through things that Arthur might possibly see as attractive. And Christ this is weird. Well here goes nothing. "His jeans are very…" he flaps his hand awkwardly as said waiter walks past, "...form-fitting?" There, that wasn’t so bad. He smiles, pleased at himself but then frowns.  
  
Arthur chokes on his lemonade looking queasy. If this establishment gives Arthur food poisoning he'll have them shut down. No questions asked. "Please stop. I'll answer anything."  
  
Ah, there we go. "Did you find Merlin attractive. When he first walked into the cafe?"  
  
Arthur shrugs. "Yeah, I guess. He's taller than I am. Dark hair...skinny though."  
  
"If no words were spoken, would you have considered seeing him again?"  
  
"Probably...but words were spoken, so that's out of the question." And because Arthur sounds so certain Uther drops it. For now.

* * *

"Merlin?" He walks up to the man taking in his scruffy t-shirt and shaggy hair and wonders for a brief moment whether he really wanted him to date Arthur.  
  
"Hi, can I help you?" Merlin says wiping down the table and turning around to face him with a grin.  
  
Uther smiles and offers his hand. "I'm Uther."  
  
The smile falters and Merlin puts his hands up. "Listen, I get that he's your son, but I'm not interested in him alright?"  
  
"He liked you."  
  
Merlin scoffs, eyes narrowing. "No he didn't."  
  
"He finds you attractive,” he says because at least he knows that’s the truth.  
  
"He insulted my ears before he even introduced himself."  
  
"Arthur lacks tact!” he tries desperately.  
  
"What?" Merlin flaps his hands at him as if he is an irritating bird rather than a rich and powerful man. "Go, get away from me."  
  
Hip checked aside he follows after Merlin. "As do I!" he says and pulls Merlin's elbow. "Please, I only wish to see him happy."  
  
Something in his face must demonstrate sincerity as Merlin's face softens. He releases the young man's elbow and steps back. "I didn't react badly to his coming out. I admit, I didn't expect it, and maybe I reacted...oddly, but if he's comfortable then fine. I don't understand it - it presents all these difficulties…"  
  
Merlin's eyebrow arches skyward s and Uther wonders if the young man is aware of how dangerously close he is to replicating Gaius’ High Left Eyebrow of Doom. "For him or for you?"  
  
"Both of us?" he hazards a guess and watches Merlin’s mouth curls into a frown. He ducks his head down. “Him,” he says softly. “I don’t want him to get hurt. People can be cruel and he doesn’t deserve it.”  
  
“No one does.” Merlin returns turning to go back into restaurant. “I’ve gotta get back to work.”

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
Hey it’s Merlin.  
It was nice running into you.

  
_Arthur Pendragon_  
Likewise. I’m sorry about the other day.

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
Yeah, same here.

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
You know you have to do this because you want to. This takes time. Don’t let ur dad force you into things because you want to make him happy.  
_  
_

_Arthur Pendragon_  
I’m not!  
_  
__Arthur Pendragon_  
He’s trying to be accepting. I can’t take that for granted.

 _Merlin Emrys_  
Just cause our date didn’t work out doesn’t mean ur taking his efforts for granted.

 _Merlin Emrys_  
Did you actually date anyone before Uther roped me in?

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
No - I wanted to do it right. No relationships until I came out.  
And I only came out to him like the day before...

 _Merlin Emrys_  
A day before! Jesus Christ, Arthur!!

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
He was excited - I didn't want to disappoint him!

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
Oh, mate. I can guarantee that he isn't disappointed in you.

  
_Arthur Pendragon_  
You think so.

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
Definitely.

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
You didn’t have to send me a gift.  
But thanks.

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
??

 _Merlin Emrys_  
The toy rabbit It’s cute.

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
I never sent you anything.

  
_Merlin Emrys_  
What do you meant you never sent me anything?

  
_Arthur Pendragon_  
I mean exactly what I said.

 _Merlin Emrys_  
It says from Arthur.

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
Must be a different Arthur.

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
I’m allergic to chocolate.

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
I’m allergic to all types of seafood, and dog fur...and strawberries

 _Merlin Emrys_  
Why are you listing ur allergens?

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
I thought we were doing a thing

 _Merlin Emrys_  
I thought it would be nicer to tell you I was allergic to chocolate than to just throw it in the bin.  
And why are you sending me chocolate??

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
I didn’t.

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
Arthur stop sending me stuff.

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
I’ve never sent you anything

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
Fuck Arthur! Stop sending me shit.  
I don’t want it!

 _Arthur Pendragon_  
I HAVEN’T SENT YOU ANYTHING!!

* * *

_Merlin Emrys_  
Seriously, stop.  
Don’t make me get other people involved.

* * *

_Arthur Pendragon_  
I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.  
It wasn’t me.  
I have never sent anything to you.  
  
_Disconnected number_  
Message error  
Unable to send.

* * *

"Okay this has got to stop!" The bear says angrily.  
  
Uther steps out of his office and watches as the bear sticks a paw out at Arthur accusingly. Most of the staff are out of their seats taking in the scene before them. The bear is white, legs brushing the floor, a red bow tied around it’s neck. It’s got brown glass eyes and a brown thread nose. There is also a smile on it’s face which is at odds with the anger spewing from behind the head.  
  
"I haven't done anything!" Arthur yells back taking in the bear with wide-eyed astonishment.  
  
The bear drops unceremoniously onto the floor revealing a young man red faced and angry. "The flowers, the teddies, the bloody sky writing - all of it stops."  
_  
Oh shit._  
  
Arthur splutters. “Who the hell are you?!”  
  
The bear slumps listlessly onto it’s side like it’s too tired for shouting match that is currently occurring over its head. “I’m Merlin’s mate Will - seriously stop sending him shit!” Will shouts reaching into his back pocket.  
  
Arthur throws his hands out to the sides, craning his neck to the ceiling as if the answers are all written up there. "I never started! I never sent him this crap so take your stupid bear and get the hell out of this building!”  
  
“Fine, but don’t come near him anymore.” Will stalks up to Arthur and pushes something against his chest before spinning around and walking away leaving the bear still on the floor, a fresh set of office gossip and a rapidly reddening Arthur in his wake.  
  
Arthur walks into his office, Uther catching the door before it slams shut. “What the fuck?” Arthur rips open an envelope and pulls out the piece of paper. His mouth drops open in shock face paling further under the office light.  
  
“What is it Arthur?”  
  
“He...Merlin...it’s a restraining order.” Arthur scrubs a hand over his face and looks up at him.  
  
He looks down noting the tremor running through Arthur’s hands and...oh god.  
  
“It was a date...and a couple of text messages. I don’t understand. We ran into each other and he said that he was getting stuff from me, even though I never did anything…” Arthur’s voice trails off and he cradles his face in his hands.  
  
He places a hand on Arthur’s shoulder and squeezes cautiously. “Arthur, I’m so sorry. This is my fault.” He rests against Arthur’s desk. “I sent him things on your behalf. I thought that if he got these things from you that he’d be inclined to try again.”  
  
His great plan is not so great and now Arthur is hurt and angry and he recalls all the warnings that Morgana and Gaius gave him and just...what was I thinking?  
  
Arthur groans. “Father!”  
  
“I’m sorry! Arthur, honestly. And I’ll go and sort this out with Gaius and...and…”  
  
“Go now!” Arthur shouts.  
  
And Uther does.

...

 _“...out of all the stupid, irresponsible things that you have ever done, this takes the cake.”_ Gaius is shouting. And because it is seven-thirty in the night and therefore no students around him, that means Gaius is shouting at him.  
  
“Gaius, please,” he says closing his eyes against the image of the restraining order laying atop of his dining room table.  
  
_“Please what? You scared my nephew half to death!”_  
  
“I know! I didn’t mean to. Can you talk to Merlin, or tell me how to contact him so I can explain this all?” Morgana had stormed into the office (to tell him off), which was rather impressive as she was eight months pregnant so it was more of a waddle, but you couldn’t really tell with how fast she moved and the general anger on her face. It made one forget about the fact that she was waddling. And she was spitting mad. He seriously had concerns for the baby because surely that sort of thing wasn’t good.  
  
_“I’ll talk to him,”_ Gaius says forcefully. That’s probably the wiser idea come to think of it.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
_“You can never ask me for anything ever again.”_  
  
“I will never ask you for anything.”  
  
_“You are an idiot,”_ Gaius huffs angrily. The High Left Eyebrow of Doom is going to feature prominently in his nightmares tonight - he just knows it.  
  
“I am an idiot.”

* * *

He’s in the garden attempting to well, garden...or at least weed out the flower beds that seem to have overgrown happily whilst he was not watching, when he hears voices in the kitchen.  
  
"Where are you going?" Morgana says bouncing a seven-month old Henry in her arms.  
  
He sees Arthur walk into view stopping just by the doorway. "Morgana stop looking at me like that. Is father here, I need to hand over the Carleon contracts?"  
  
"He's-"  
  
"Not looking at those until tomorrow, but thank you. You look dressed up, where are you going?" He rests against the doorjamb wiping off the dirt from his hands against his jeans.  
  
"None of your business.” Arthur gives him a meaningful look, and he raises his hands in defence.  
  
They cleared up the whole restraining order fiasco pretty quickly although Arthur and Morgana kept their distance for a few weeks which...alright, he’s man enough to say that it hurt like a bitch and he may have cried a little at the thought of them never speaking to him again.  
  
"You've even got cologne on and," she says before pausing and sniffing the air around Arthur, "it's the expensive stuff." She pulls back from him. "Are you going on a date?"  
  
"Just meeting a friend-"  
  
"You're blushing! Uther any ideas?" Morgana says turning to him.  
  
Uther blinks back in reply because he has absolutely no idea about who his son is dating. A very distant part of him is panicking at the thought of Arthur dating because he knows it shouldn’t be different, but it _feels_ different and Christ he just hope the guy is not an idiot. And he’s pretty much blown his chance of interrogating future in-laws. Morgana will have him covered on that front, but still, he’d like to inflict a little bit of fear - father’s prerogative and all that.  
  
"None whatsoever,” he says cautiously, shaking his head. “You know that the only one I knew of was…" With Arthur's guilty expression Uther's jaw drops "Merlin."  
  
"It's...we...yeah." Arthur scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, "I'm going out with him tonight."  
  
"First official date?" Morgana asks sending him a meaningful smirk and all right he probably deserves much worse for what he's done.  
  
Arthur nods.  
  
"Wait here." Uther goes out into the garden, selects the reddest rose he can find and cuts the stem thanking Igraine’s desire for thornless roses. He walks back into the kitchen stripping the few stray leaves from the stem and letting them fall to the ground behind him.  
  
Arthur doesn’t look happy when he catches sight of the flower. "That's unnecessary.”  
  
"That's what you said last time and look how that worked out."  
  
“Father no,” Arthur says again backing away from the kitchen and spinning on his heel. “No, no dating advice from you. Bad father very bad…” The front door slams shut.  
  
Uther drops his eyes back to the rose, sighs, and offers it to Morgana who cradles Henry closer to her chest with one hand and plucking the rose out of his hand with the other.   
  
“ _I_ will accept this rose.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it :D


End file.
